there's something about today.

Perhaps, it's that I'm in one of my happy places.
Perhaps, it's the Word of God moving is ways that it's never before.
Perhaps, it's that my class was cancelled.
Perhaps, it's that I just found out that one of my mentors had a baby.
Perhaps, it's that halloween isn't forecasted to be rainy anymore.
Perhaps, it's that she let me walk her home.
Perhaps, it's that emotional article I read about caring for youth.
Perhaps, it's the coffee.
Perhaps, it's that there are people in my life who actually matter.
Perhaps, it's the wonderfully exciting and life-changing decisions before me.
Perhaps, it's that I might actually be at peace with my past decisions.
Perhaps, it's that powerful song I can't get out of my head.
Perhaps, it's that I'm slowly piecing together that there's more to life.

There's something about today that makes it wonderful.

But, perhaps, everyday is 'one of those days'. We just have to find it.

When the rain falls down

There's no doubt about it, we live in a broken world. This world where forests of green were once a normal thing to encounter, not these forests of gray.

We once had a world where the water was always clean. Where the air itself practically made music. It was a world contained, a world in order, a world of perfection.

It's quite interesting that even though it's broken now, this world is still is trying to heal itself.

I live in a part of this world we call The City. Now, this isn't a San Francisco city or a LA city. No. But it's a city nonetheless. This city has cut it's way into existence through the fabric of flora. All of our cities have. But it seems like the earth doesn't mind. Doesn't the earth realize that nothing can grow once a city is born?

When the rain falls, it's as if the earth realizes it's wounds, and says "It's ok, I forgive you. Just try not to let it happen again. This will just scar up, no lasting damage." The earth forgives the wrong and moves on leaving us with a gift. The smell that we in the city have grown to associate with rebirth. The smell of fresh rain on the city floor.


I said that I live in the city, and that's true. But I also live in the desert, a place where this liquid forgiveness is already rare. How special it is, then, when it rains here. I have learned to treasure the few times each year when the clouds get dark and the skies light up with electricity and down comes the rain. I love it when the air is warn and the raindrops are cold, the contrast is amazing.

I know that there's more to rain physically and so much more spiritually, But when it rains, all I can think about is forgiveness and rebirth despite seemingly impossible odds. Then, I usually get a bit chocked up because I remember something else.


I remember that I am just like this city.

ID

I'm learning a lot about myself recently. I'm learning I'm more of a hypocrite than I thought I was, I'm learning that I'm more self-centered, I'm learning that i have self-identity issues, I'm learning that I'm in desperate need of my savior once more.
I realize that this list seems a bit depressing. But I think it represents progress! After all, 'the first step in fixing a problem is realizing you have one.' So, I'm going to dig into these and see if we can fix them. Starting with my self-identity issues.
I've started to notice that things that the things I have been filling my life with recently I have looked to to give my life meaning. Meaning in work, school, church. All of those seem noble, even church! But even the building will pass away eventually.
I'm tired of this meaningless life! I want to grab hold of Jesus and hold on for life. I'm a little scarred though. I've lived for the wrong things for so long, I'm not sure my fingers know how to let go...

Strings

There are things I just don't want to loose. Things that I'm attached to. And, there are things that I'm not attached to and want to leave behind. There are even things that I don't want to be attached to, yet I am. Some of these things are objects, ideas, and locations. But mostly, they're people.

i imagine these connections as pieces of string. some are mere thread that can be broken fairly easily, quickly and with fairly little pain. Others are made of a ribbon that is beautiful, until I try to break it. I can't, at least by myself. if I want to break it, i need scissors to make a clean quick cut. others are made out of twine and can't be broken quickly, but have to be worn down. still others are made out of wire. they can't be broken. Or worn down. Or cut. sometimes this is a good thing, the wire is clean and shinny. other times the wire is frayed and rusted brown and if I attempt to even touch it, i'll get cut.

Frayed wire. Those are the ones I'm afraid of.

Not because I can't get rid of them, but because I can't fix them. I'm OK with these strings, attachments, connections, relationships. But, if they get to the point of me getting cut every time I try to fix them, I stop trying. 

With some of these seemingly impossible frayed wires, I can feel myself stopping to try.

Perhaps this should scare me just as much as my inability to fix them.

Now, this isn't to say that i will never pull on these strings again, but perhaps less often. One can only put so many band-aids before he might as well put on gloves. Gloves slow you down, but you never have to worry about getting cut, but you also miss the real connections in life if you always have thick leather separating you and others. And let me tell you, neither band-aids nor gloves are any fun.

So here's my theory, mind you, it isn't perfect. 

friends should be like twine. there's lots forgiveness when things get tough, the relationship can take a lot of wear. But they can break if the wearing or stress gets too much.

objects and places should be like thread. there is attachment, but it can be broken fairly easily. more importantly, if an object or place is pulling you in one way, and friends are pulling in another, the thread will break first.

finally, there's family.  here's where i'm not sure. Ideally, they'd be the clean cut wire. Always there when you pull and the connection won't stretch if it's yanked.

Usually, that's not the case.

we can usually pick our friends, our places and our objects, but we can't pick out our family. So it seems as though we also can't pick what our connections are like.

I guess all this to say, things are messy right now. perhaps not on their end, but on mine. The wire is getting frayed and they don't seem to mind or notice and i think it's because of the thick gloves that we have on. While I try to repair our wire, our connection, our relationship, I'm vulnerable. I keep taking off my gloves to do a better job at this meticulous task because these gloves that can't be penetrated by wire also make it difficult to grasp those same small strands of wire. But I'm not sure it's worth it in the end. 

Because if I do manage to fix this frayed attachment, once I get there, they still have those thick leather gloves on.

to leave a place behind

i like the poem/book by Dr. Suess called 'oh the places you'll go', i love the vivid imagery he uses and the clever twists and turns. the curious people and breath-taking vistas.
its just i don't feel like i'm going to any of those places...

everywhere i turn, i see people going off to universities and big colleges and i'm reminded of just how badly i want to go and explore the world. to see what it's like for other cultures, peoples and economic statuses. i want to break out of the box that i've ALWAYS lived in that we call fresno and see the world. it seems like the easiest way of doing that, at the moment, is to go to college somewhere other than fresno.

my Grandmother came back from a cruise this past week. My heart sank a little more and more with each gorgeous picture that i saw. i couldn't help but think that i would never see those serene places for myself.

but, there is a difference between visiting and living. i can't shake the idea that i don't want to live in the US. i want to live somewhere quiet. somewhere green and blue. where people aren't tied down by corporations or the media. but places like that are few and far in between these days.

now, for all my aspirations to leave fresno, it's extremely hard to imagine leaving the people. the people that i have relationships with now are dear to me, and i don't want to loose them.

you see my predicament? to go? to stay? and if i stay, how long? what it comes to, is when to leave a place behind.

Not just a rock.

My dad has all these rocks in our backyard that he uses for decoration or to hold up pots. Some of these, not surprisingly came from my grandfather who collected rocks.

He had hundreds of rocks. Red ones, blue ones, green ones. Smooth, rough, jagged. All had some distinct feature about them.

In addition to rocks, my grandfather also collected different types of glass. From sea glass to glass telephone transformers. One of my favorites are the glass globes that went on trading ships way back when. I actually have one of those in my room from his collection.

Back to the rocks. There are some really crazy looking ones! And some that might make a couple hundred at an auction just by the looks of them. I like those rocks. They make me wonder how they formed. I marvel at their patterns. I'm amazed by their vibrant colors.

On the other hand, one rock, that my dad has chilling on the side of the grass, looks totally modest. I simple stone that I had never though twice about. I simply ignored it.





It looks simple enough, but this 'rock', isn't. It's much more than that. It has a purpose, or at least did.

I don't know how many times I ignored it. Or simply passed it by with the lawn mower. Or tossed it aside to make room for chairs for a party. The most attention I probably gave it was from the water hose spraying the plants behind it. But now I know better.

Now, I actually think this is the coolest rock on our property.
Do you know why?

Because it is one of the original cobblestones from San Francisco.

Think about it.

I said this rock had a purpose. Well I think it still does, at least for me, it reminds me of something. When it was being 'useful' it was being trampled on, at best, by thousands of people each day. Yet, if it wasn't there, those same thousands for people might have tripped, or bumped in their carriage, or simply gotten dirt on their shoe.



Who are the people in your life that, even at their best, you over look?perhaps they have more value than you realize. Because just like this seemingly insignificant rock was once an incremental part of a great city, that person might just be part of God's kingdom. And that, would be a terrible thing to ignore.

Dear God,

My heart is breaking. Have I fallen this far? God, have I fallen this far?

My life is so materialistic and so not like to one I feel you calling me too. Yet, I can't reconcile the life you want me to live with the one I want to live, the one society wants me to live.

Too often today it seems like the end goal, of even the church, is for monetary gain. Of the people, for the people. Is that really how how you want it? It seems like the church should be of the people you inspired, for YOU.

Literally a week ago I was bursting with joy that I can only say came only from You. But today, I feel weak, lost and unworthy. Despite you clearly taking care of me this week, i still feel like i can't trust you to do it again.

Through all this I'm reading a book about you, not your book the bible, but a book about you. And I'm reminded that what it all comes down to is a relationship with you. LORD, I desire a genuine relationship with you, do you desire one with me? Scripture says that the answer to that question is "yes" but I still feel totally unworthy of it. Can you for give my pride? My lust? My greed? I desperately hope so.

Your prodigal son,
David